8 things you should never say to a widow or widower

Losing your partner is never easy, even if you've had time to 'prepare' due to a long-term illness. Only those who have experienced it can truly understand the unrelenting grief that consumes you, and even then, everyone experiences it differently. Watching someone you care about go through it can be difficult and heartbreaking itself, so it's natural to try and offer words of support. Unfortunately, many of these gestures can actually provoke the opposite feelings that were intended, and in some cases genuinely offend the grieving.

We spoke to a few women from the online 'widow community' to find out what's not helpful (and what is) when a loved one is going through the heartbreak of losing a partner: Jan Robinson, author of Tips From Widows, Lucie Brownlee, author of Life After You and Deborah Murphy, owner of Grieving Angry Widow blog.

1. 'Time heals'

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'This is a common clanger!' says Lucie. Time may eventually dull the pain, but 'healing' feels less possible. It's not a broken leg; it won't simply go away after enough time has passed.

2. 'It could be worse...'

'This one was very painful to hear and I heard it a lot. "At least you got 18 years of marriage," "At least he got to know his kids," "At least he's no longer suffering," "At least he didn't leave you," "At least he went fast." This is similar to "It could be worse, my friend's husband died at 35" or "My niece's friend was only married 6 months when she was widowed... and they had triplets." The 'it could be worse' line tends to totally invalidate your grief and makes you feel selfish or ungrateful for grieving,' says Deb.

3. 'You're still young - you'll meet someone new'

Lucie says that, no matter a person's age when they lose a partner, one of the last things on their mind will be moving on to someone new. Losing someone isn't the same as a break up; the relationship never actually ended so it will likely take a person a lot longer consider themselves 'single'.

4.'Oh you're still sad? I thought it would feel easier by now'

'Translation: "You're still bleating on about him? This is boring",' says Deb. If a person needs to talk about their lost one, listen. But if they don't want to talk about it, understand it doesn't always mean they're 'over it'.

5. 'I know just how you feel. My dog died recently.'

No, this is not the same. Just no.

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6. 'He's in a better place'

'This is no comfort at all. I miss him more than words can say. I'll never see him again. I want him here with me, with his children,' says Lucie. This seems like it would be comforting, however the intense longing for a lost partner often overpowers any potential 'silver linings'.

7. 'Now that you're back on the market again...'

As Jan reminds us, it's not a breakup and the person did not 'leave'. Moving on is very complex for a widow or widower.

8. 'You're not alone'

Sadly, even if they're surrounded by people trying to help, they will likely be feeling very much alone. There's no way you can avoid it, they've lost someone and there is a hole in their life that no matter how hard you try, you won't be able to fill.