“Breaking up,” as Burt Bacharach famously crooned, “is so very hard to do.” What Burt neglected to mention, though, is that navigating your relationship with an ex after that break-up can be an even harder juggling act.

“Many people think that when they split up, it’s a completely a fresh start, finally ‘unchained’ from their ex. But, surprise! It often doesn’t exactly play out that way,” says accredited psychotherapist Lorraine Collins. “And those connections can stick around longer than you’d expect. You might find yourself feeling their presence at your child’s graduation, on holiday, or at family events. That’s what we call ‘relational residue’; those emotional ties that hang on even after the relationship ends."

Last year, a YouGov Survey found that co-parenting divorced couples cited their continued collaboration on financial matters as their biggest stressor. And a study published in the journal Clinical Psychological Science found that, for those without children, more frequent in-person contact with your ex was linked to higher levels of distress.

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“The concept of ‘ambiguous loss’ describes the idea that we grieve not only the relationship itself but also everything that came with it—the dreams, family life, and shared moments,” says Lorraine. “Navigating this new relationship landscape can feel extremely complicated, and you might be left wondering where your responsibility to your ex starts and ends.”

That confusion, she explains, is totally normal. But with 42% of UK marriages ending in divorce, ex etiquette is a skillset many need to master. That’s why we’ve asked Lorraine to answer some of the most pressing and problematic questions that divorcing can pose.

My ex wants a loan

Q: When we split up, my ex earned more than me, and paid maintenance. Now, a decade later, he’s broke. I could afford to loan him the rent money he needs for a couple of months from my savings. Do I owe him that? I don't like the idea of him going under, but I don't want another long-term arrangement.

A: You may feel empathy for your ex’s predicament and remember how your lives were once intertwined but it’s crucial to prioritise your own financial wellbeing.

It’s also worth considering - is there a pattern here? You say he earned more in your marriage, but was he reliant on you in other ways? Do you risk stepping back into old patterns of behaviour and co-dependency if you loan him the money? If so, then stepping in to help could be like lending your favourite book to a friend who keeps losing it. At some point you need to protect your collection.

It could also rob him of his own agency. So it’s important to have some boundaries in place to reinforce that a separation has taken place, and you no longer have that level of responsibility.

Ask yourself: What would lending him this money mean for you emotionally and financially? If you decide you do want to offer some support, clarify that it’s a one-time arrangement. Establishing this upfront will help prevent the resurgence of old dynamics. Remember too that support can take many forms, not only financial. The overall message is: ‘I'm rooting for you from the sidelines, but I'm not your safety net’.

My ex is friend-hoarding

Q: My ex-wife and I had been together since we were teenagers. We split in our early 40s, so most of our friends are mutual. Now, she’s hoarding them. She arranges big group holidays, and books celebrations like New Years Eve months ahead so I can’t pip her to the post and I see it all over social media. Can I tell her she has to share?

My heart goes out to you - it's frustrating and sad to feel excluded from friendships that once felt shared, especially in a world when you can still see your ex ‘living her best life’ on social media.

It might help to recognise that this behaviour could stem from your ex’s need for control. If you want to talk to her about it, I’d suggest approaching her with curiosity rather than accusation. Try: “I’ve noticed you’ve been really active with our friends lately. Can we talk about how we can both share those connections?” This opens a dialogue without putting her on the defensive. You could even say: “I see you’re having a New Year's bash. That’s great. Would you mind if I plan something over another key celebration?” Aim for a conversation grounded in mutual respect rather than confrontation.

It might also be time to consider leaning into this opportunity to build new friendships. When a relationship breaks down, there are some inevitable losses. But this can also be a pivot point. Whatever you decide to do, telling your ex that she has to share the friend pie could come across as a bit heavy handed. Perhaps it’s time to bake your own pie.

I’m still my ex’s social secretary

Q: Three years after my husband and I broke up, he still forgets his own family's birthdays. I have to text him reminders a week before the crucial date. I'm still close to his mum and other family members, so I don't want them to suffer a result of his disorganization, but I can't carry on doing this.

A: It’s admirable that you still care about his family’s well-being. But you really deserve some boundaries for your emotional health. So let me tell you clearly: you don’t have to rescue him. Try saying: “I love your family, but I'm not your calendar.” If you’re after a gentler approach, you could try: “I really value my relationship with your family, but I need to step back from reminding you about birthdays. Perhaps we can think of a way for you to keep track?” This way, you’re offering support and pushing him to take the initiative while also advocating for your own needs.

In the meantime, it might be worth asking yourself why you’re still stepping in and taking that responsibility from him. Is it a way of hot wiring a connection to his family? Might you, possibly, have fallen into a trap of seeing yourself as a martyr? Either way, you’re keeping something going that gets in the way of his own intimacy with his family. And even with the best of intentions, which I’m sure you have, that's not really a healthy dynamic, especially now that you’re separated.

I get unsolicited steamy messages

Q: My ex and I have a relatively amicable relationship and we both have new, independent lives. But several times a year, I get a long stream of increasing steamy text messages, which he just shrugs it off with a laugh or tries to make out it was sent to me in error. How can I explain that it’s really no longer appropriate?

A: You’re completely right to want clear, respectful boundaries. So how to broach this difficult conversation? You might try: “I appreciate the friendship we’ve built, but I think we’ve moved past that phase. Let’s keep our communication friendly and appropriate.” That would convey your feelings directly, without shaming your ex.

It’s essential to be clear about your boundaries without hostility, ensuring he understands your needs moving forward. Drunken texts in the middle of the night may be a subtle cry for help and indicate something underlying or disturbing him. Either way, you’re not his therapist or sexual outlet so make sure there’s no room for ambiguity.

Her new boyfriend is turning my grandkids into monsters

Q: My son’s ex has a new, extremely ‘cool’ boyfriend. Under his influence, her rules for my teenage grandchildren have changed. The kids are allowed a beer, to casually swear, to have messy rooms. It makes it really hard for my son to assert the rules that he and his ex once shared. How can he talk to her about it?

A: Open communication between your son and his ex is paramount here, but I’d counsel approaching with care, so there’s no danger that his concerns are construed as an attack on the new partner.

Perhaps he can set up a conversation, in a neutral space. Then he could open the conversation with something like: “I’ve noticed that things have changed with the kids since you started seeing someone new. Can we chat about how we can balance the rules, so they feel consistent and secure when they move between our homes?”

A middle ground will have to be found, which will evolve some compromise on both sides. The key is to keep the focus of the conversation on the kids, rather than her new partner. That should, hopefully, foster an atmosphere of collaboration instead of conflict.

My ex is dying

Q: My former wife and I divorced many years ago. Though she didn’t remarry, she built a whole new life in a new city. She’s now terminally ill. I want to have a conversation with her about her funeral. Does she want me to organise it? Or has another friend stepped in? I just don’t know how to approach it.

A: I’m so sorry, this is very sad and an incredibly delicate situation. Of course, you’re apprehensive about bringing it up, that’s very natural. If I were you, I’d begin the conversation by expressing love and concern for her wishes. You might say: “I know this is difficult, and I want you to know that I’m here to support you in any way you need. Have you thought about what you'd like for your funeral? Would you like to discuss anything together?” That gently reaffirms your willingness to support her while respecting her autonomy and without trying to force or impose solutions on her.

It might be that what she really wants is your help with things other than the funeral. Or that she doesn’t yet know what she needs or wants. So if you really want to support her, be aware that this conversation may be just the start.

Seeing my ex hurts. But I have to show up for school plays

Q: My ex and I split up extremely acrimoniously. It left a deep scar and I find it very difficult to be in the same space as her. But as we share two small children, I still have to turn up to school events. How can I set boundaries so I don’t get hurt but the children aren’t damaged either?

A: You’re navigating the aftermath of a painful breakup and it’s essential to prioritise the children’s emotional safety while protecting your own. One way to set boundaries might be to agreeing on specific details, and even topics of conversation, beforehand. You could say to your ex: “I’d appreciate it if we could keep the focus on the kids during school events. Maybe we can coordinate what we’ll discuss ahead of time, so it doesn't become about us?”. Be clear about your feelings and needs, but also express a desire to support your kids through this together. Finding a shared language will help you both move forward.

I’ve moved on. My ex? Not so much.

Q: I channelled all my energy into looking after my kids and when the children left home, it was clear that my marriage was over. I nurtured old friendships, and made new ones but I’m worried my ex is lonely and depressed; mutual friends say he never accepts invitations. Should I wade in to help?

A: Your concern for your ex's loneliness speaks volumes about your compassion. It suggests you have a big heart and still care, even after the end of your romantic relationship. That said, it’s equally important to focus on your own growth and happiness.

It’s a fine line, isn’t it? You don’t want to end up reinforcing either his dependence on you or your frustrations with him. So, consider whether you’re truly able to reach out not out of obligation but from a place of genuine concern. If you are, you might say something like, “I’ve been reflecting on how we’ve both adapted after the divorce. I’d love to catch up; how are you really doing?”