I don’t have much in common with Michelle Obama - or Gwyneth Paltrow, Brooke Shields, Ulrika Johnson or Amanda Holden come to that. But there’s something I do share with them – and with almost 4 million other parents in the UK – we’re all ‘empty nesters’, and for many of us, this new chapter can be... complicated. Perhaps, like Michelle Obama, we need a 'tune-up' for to help us transition to the next phase in our lives.
The first problem is that the label ‘empty nest’ no longer fits the experience. ‘It feels out of touch,’ says psychotherapist Annette Byfield, author of Once A Mother, Always A Mother. ‘It suggests a time when motherhood was a woman’s main identity, and her life – not just her nest – felt empty without children to care for.’
Not only does ‘empty nest’ ignore the fact that mothers today are embracing life after parenting, it’s also a label that ignores the changing shape of family dynamics. Adult children who leave home for college or training are half-in and half-out of the family home for years to come. Our relationships with grown-up children are different too – more mutual and equal, which means that they may want to stay longer – or keep coming back - for all kinds of reasons; financial, practical and emotional. Today’s empty nest is more Airbnb than abandoned.
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And that’s why it’s ripe for a rebrand. The suggestion that your life is just a shell without your children to care for is, frankly, reductive to anyone seeking suggestions and solutions for the challenges of this new chapter. In a recent article in The Atlantic magazine, influential writer Gretchen Rubin - author of The Happiness Project dismissed it once and for all: ‘It’s not a useful metaphor for adults left wondering what to do once their kids are gone’. She prefers to name it ‘The Open Door’, and I’m with her. An open door symbolises freedom – for our children AND for us.
For weeks after my kids left for college I felt sad and lost– but I was also grateful and proud. Isn’t this the moment we all want and work towards? If parenting came with a job description ‘preparing your child to be a happy, healthy independent adult’ would be it.
‘Your sadness is a kind of privilege,’ one of my old colleagues reminded me. Low pay, high housing costs or even poor social skills can keep children at home for years longer than they – or you - might really want. Health issues might mean your child can never live independently. If your child is leaving – even if it’s a partial leaving - be grateful for your good fortune and celebrate your good work.
And let’s not forget a modern truth – that leaving home today is a process, not a single event. The traditional markers of adult independence are different for our children’s generation. Moving out, gaining financial independence and starting a family are all happening later – the UK’s 2021 census found that the number of over 18’s still living at home was up 14.9% from a decade previously. And even after they move out, children may depend on us for financial help, and often boomerang home for college holidays, saving for a deposit, or relationship breakdowns, when they can no longer afford rent or mortgage payments on their own.
All of this means, of course, that we have to become a different sort of parent. ‘Even If they are still living at home, or still depend on you in some ways, your children are now adults, and your relationship needs to shift,’ says Annette. She suggests working towards a relationship that offers appropriate support but doesn’t disempower children by ‘doing everything’ for them as we did when they were younger. The aim here is to build bonds of love and connection, not chains of dependence and resentment (see box for more advice).
‘Even when full independence is delayed, it’s important to allow your children their autonomy as young adults,’ says Annette. Treating our children with respect and light-touch parenting at this stage signals confidence in them to navigate the world, to make good choices, and to learn to problem solve for themselves. Visualising the Open Door helps here too – it allows us to keep the door to our parenting propped open. We’re not directing their lives anymore, but we’re here if needed.
As I recovered from the initial grief of my children leaving home, I found unexpected bonuses in big and small ways. I felt pangs of pain at the sight of their abandoned toiletries – but then enjoyed luxuriating in the bath using oil no-one had nicked and used up (and where I could literally leave the door open for the first time in years). When I was offered a trip for work that would take me away for three weeks I checked my automatic 'No. Too long' response and though 'Yes. Why not?!'. The Open Door is an invitation to step outside the role you have played for the last twenty years and shift your focus – this time to yourself, and the waiting world beyond the door.
‘Your job now is to find meaning and purpose for your own next act,’ says Sara. ‘Ask yourself honestly: Which parts are working well, and which parts do you want to change?’. Define your values and decide what really matters to you. ‘It may not be what has mattered to you before, or what is ‘supposed’ to matter to you.’ Annette suggests thinking back to who you were before you had children. ‘I only took up writing once my children left home. I remembered how much I had loved it when I was young.’.
As our children move on with their lives, we can also move on, bravely and happily. We can pursue our own projects and passions, invest more time and attention in other relationships and grow our social and emotional lives – or finally begin to inhabit what the psychologist Barry Kauffman calls ‘healthy selfishness’. And this helps us inhabit the sort of parenting our adult children really need. ‘Seeing you happy and fulfilled, not needy and desolate, means your children can grow without guilt,' says Annette, ‘and this prepares the ground for happier, more harmonious family relationships for the future.’
