When one of my kids was in kindergarten, he spent months begging to learn karate. After we finally signed him up, he wanted to quit after two classes. My husband and I were at a loss: Do we let him give up or push him to keep trying? we asked ourselves. And how will our decision affect him in the future?
In an age of intensive parenting with an emphasis on building resilience and antifragility in kids, it’s easy to panic when they want to quit something. If we let them start and stop on a whim, how will they ever learn to see things through, especially when the going gets hard?
The truth is, our reluctance to let our kids quit may actually hinder their ability to cultivate grit, experts say.
The problem with focusing solely on perseverance is that it leaves out the other half of the recipe for grit: passion. According to Angela Duckworth, professor of psychology at the University of Pennsylvania and the author of Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance, grit is not just a refusal to quit; it’s passion and perseverance for long-term goals. Passion helps motivate us to keep going when we encounter difficulties.
Quitting things actually helps kids find their passions.
You may be familiar with the famous “10,000-hour rule,” which suggests that it takes an average of 10,000 hours of practice to achieve mastery. If that’s the case, it might seem that the best way to help our kids develop their passion is by helping them zero in on their interests early so they can start racking up their hours. This trend towards early specialization has been part of the driver behind U.S. families now spending an estimated $30 billion to $40 billion annually on kids’ sports activities.
Early specialization, however, is not all it’s cracked up to be. According to Duckworth, sampling different activities and interests can be more beneficial to most kids in the long run than being forced to prematurely commit to a particular interest. It’s hard to find your passions without knowing what your possibilities are, and childhood is an ideal time for exploring possibilities. And while there are certain benefits to specialization as children get older, these benefits occur in part because of early sampling that help find activities that are a good fit for them and to develop a broader range of knowledge and skills to later draw from.
With sampling, it’s easier for kids to try new things and follow their interests because the stakes are lower. Small investments of time and money don’t come with the pressure of getting trapped long-term in an activity they don’t like. If they try a one-day baseball clinic or a week-long art class and hate it, they’ll be done soon and free to try something else. The investment is lower for parents, too. When we let our kid sample an activity and it doesn’t pan out, we’re not out hundreds of dollars in equipment or classes or stuck trying to cajole an unwilling kid to go to practice twice a week for the next three months.
Letting our kids sample activities doesn’t have to mean driving them all over town or shelling out a bunch of money for lessons or expensive equipment. It can start out as simple as giving them some watercolors, taking them to a library or community center for a free class, listening to their jokes or playing catch in the backyard or at the park. Give them the time, space and opportunities to play and be creative. Then see what they come up with and what they want to keep doing and go from there.
Duckworth stresses the importance of giving kids a say in what they choose: “Grit comes from intrinsic motivation, not extrinsic motivation — and even young children need autonomy in choosing activities that kindle their interest.” When kids pursue activities because they’re interested in them, they’re more likely to stick with and enjoy them than if their pursuit is driven by external pressure to perform from parents, coaches or teachers.
Kids need to know that quitting has a time and a place.
Of course, if we let our kids try a lot of different things, this inevitably means we need to be okay with them quitting a lot of things too. How can we know when to let our kids quit and when to encourage them to push through?
This can be a tough decision for parents because we face a distinct conundrum: On the one hand, we have a better sense of how the world works and what’s required for success than our kids do. We know that even enjoyable activities are not fun all the time and that it can take time and effort to get good at something. On the other hand, we’re not our kids. We can’t know how something feels for them or have direct access to the likes and dislikes that help determine what activities will be a good fit for them.
When our kids complain about not liking an activity, it might be because they’re struggling with the temporary discomfort of boredom, anxiety or self-doubt and we should encourage them to push through. Or it might be that that particular activity is not a good fit for them and we should let them move on. How can parents tell the difference?
Phyllis Fagell, author of Middle School Superpowers: Raising Resilient Tweens in Turbulent Times, says parents can respond to this dilemma by getting to the root of why kids want to quit. “If we want to raise kids who persist at tough tasks and know when it's time to cut their losses, then we have to start from a place of curiosity,” Fagell says. “If a parent asks, ‘Can you help me understand why you don't want to play basketball anymore?’ they might learn that their child likes playing basketball but feels lonely because their teammates all attend a different school together. If that's the case, the solution might be more nuanced than simply quitting. Instead, they might honor their commitment to the team and finish the season, but then look for a different team with players they know. Or they might recruit a friend to play with them on that particular team.”
How can you tell if they’ve given something a good enough shot?
What if parents try to problem-solve with their children and they still want to quit? How can we tell if they’ve given an activity enough of a shot to know if they really like it?
One key to helping kids sample effectively is to establish expectations or ground rules with them before they begin an activity. Bonnie Harris, author of Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids: 8 Principles for Raising Kids You’ll Love to Live With and host of the podcast “Tell Me About Your Kids,” advises parents to work together with their kids to decide on a certain number of sessions, practices or games they’ll be expected to try before they decide whether to continue or quit. This can be especially helpful if you have a child who gets anxious about joining new things but can enjoy them after a gentle push, Harris told me.
Young kids might not be able to commit or persist for as long as parents think. As Harris notes, young children “are cognitively aware of how something should be played or how a picture should look way before they are able to make it happen.” So, if you have a 6-year-old who wants to quit things they’re not immediately good at, “This should be taken with a big grain of salt,” Harris says. “Give this child more time to mature before requiring a commitment.”
As children get older, longer commitments become more reasonable, Duckworth says. “Maybe a kindergartner can commit to an activity for a whole day, and a first grader a whole week, for example.”
You can teach a kid resilience even if you let them quit things.
Should we be concerned that our kids won’t develop resilience if they don’t stick with things long-term? Is it a slippery slope from letting them quit gymnastics today to setting them up to be a quitter for life?
Fortunately, the slope is not nearly as slippery as we fear. There are a lot of ways to help kids develop resilience besides requiring them to stick long-term to something that no longer fits them. “Resiliency should not be in question,” Harris reassures, “as long as the child is allowed to feel disappointment and loss in other parts of their lives without a parent jumping in to keep them from those experiences.”
One way Duckworth helped her own kids cultivate grit was through what she calls “The Hard Thing Rule.” Her kids were required to do something they chose themselves that demanded hard work, focus and feedback. They weren’t allowed to quit in the middle of their commitment, but once they met their expectation, they were allowed to move on and try a different hard thing. Duckworth and her husband also modeled this for their kids by participating with them in The Hard Thing Rule by challenging themselves with activities like yoga and running.
When parents think of grit and resilience, we often imagine someone who never gives up. But indiscriminate perseverance is not actually the lesson we want to teach our kids. Kids can learn a lot just from trying hard things. As Fagell notes, “Resilience doesn't come only from sticking with something that's hard or persisting at something you hate. Resilience comes from taking a risk, such as learning a skill or participating in an activity with people you don't know. Resilience also comes from developing self-awareness — from understanding where your strengths and interests intersect and having the confidence to know when and how to pivot and try something new.”
Jen Zamzow, PhD, is an adjunct professor of healthcare ethics at Concordia University Irvine, writer, and mom to two young boys. You can find her writing at Psychology Today and her monthly Substack newsletter "A Well-Lived Life." You can follow her on Instagram.
