It was 10 p.m. on a Thursday night. The kids were down, the kitchen was clean. My husband and I sat on the couch, trying to figure out details for a vacation and map out the next steps for a home renovation project. But we were too tired to sort through a bigger decision, and then it was too late to do anything fun, either.
With four kids aged 6 and under, my husband and I are “on” from early morning to late at night, trying to fit in work, quality time with our kids, laundry, social activities, and a little exercise. When the kids are awake and needing love and pancakes, we can barely finish a sentence—let alone a conversation.
Carving out time for just the two of us is like trying to solve a Rubik's cube. When will we have the time and energy, let alone access to a babysitter? My husband and I have said for years we want to go on a date at least once a month, but then another June slips by, and we haven’t sat down to falafel and looked each other in the eyes.
After enough frustration and realizing our current mode wasn’t working, we tried something new: Saturday coffee hour. We set our alarm for 6 a.m.—the surest time our kids wouldn’t be awake for at least 45 minutes.
My husband scooped grounds into the French press and whipped up milk and honey for a latte. After washing my face, I came downstairs to a nice cup of coffee and a handsome partner. No kids were in sight. There was nowhere to be. No one to answer to. And it felt like a little luxury we desperately needed—a step away from the busyness of parenting to prioritize each other, right at the start of the weekend, without having to hire a sitter.
After that first coffee hour, we decided to make it a weekly routine. Each Saturday, we evaluate what we need in that moment. Sometimes, we use the hour to plan out the weekend or tackle to-dos, like scheduling a camping trip or picking out a living room rug. Other times, we sip our drinks and share what’s happening in our worlds: the struggles at work, the friends who touched us, the dreams we have for the next stage of life. We have the time, space, and silence to truly check in on one another.
“Dr. John Gottman, one of the leading researchers on relationships, calls [intentional time together] ‘rituals of connection,’” says Regina Boyd, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author, and founder of Heartspace Therapy Center. “They’re an opportunity to strengthen emotional bonds and have shared meaning together as a couple, and this sense that we're in this together.”
Boyd says if we forgo regular intentional time together, we risk losing our emotional safety in the relationship. We’re less likely to share when something’s bugging us, and that builds resentment—sometimes for years.
“If we're staying connected and close, then we're more likely to share when something is bothering us,” Boyd says. So dates aren’t just about romance, but employing them as crucial relationship maintenance. When we skip the regular connection time, things start to break down, just like when we don’t take care of our vehicles.
The good news: the “date” doesn’t need to be a sit-down meal at a five-star restaurant. “The secret isn’t what you do,” Boyd says. “It's about how you show up for each other on purpose and without distractions. You don't necessarily need more time. You need more intentional time with the time that you have.”
She suggests picking a day and time and committing to it, even if it’s just for 10 or 20 minutes. Finding the right time may require some creativity, based on your stage of life and the ages of your kids. You might put on a movie for older kids while you have a cocktail on the patio, or maybe you tackle school drop-off together on Tuesdays and enjoy breakfast at a local diner. By integrating the “date” into your regular life, it becomes a part of your relationship and gives you something to look forward to.
And that was a big relief for me to hear: that our time together didn’t need to be perfect or fancy.
After the first handful of coffee dates, my husband and I banked a few initial benefits: We made quicker decisions, regulated our emotions better, and felt more connected. After six months, we’ve noticed our marriage is stronger and calmer. There are fewer fights about how we stack the dishes and more cheerleading about what we’re accomplishing together. With dedicated, low-stakes time to connect each week, we’re more in sync and on the same page.
By putting our partnership first once a week, even though it’s just for 30 to 60 minutes, we’re better emotionally and mentally equipped to spend time with our kids, too. We’re less reactive because we feel secure and connected.
And rather than try to finagle an adult conversation into a chaotic morning of pouring juice and cleaning up the spills, we’ve already gotten some of that load out of the way. We already have a plan to mow the lawn and then meet up with friends at the splash pad.
So when our kids’ little feet wander downstairs, their hair tangled and smashed from their pillows, we’re there for them: present, connected, and ready. We’re happier, and that rubs off on them, too. This is the only life we have with these kids and each other, and man, I want to make it beautiful. And if a slightly early alarm and a cup of coffee gets me there—I’m in.
Jenna Jonaitis is a freelance writer whose work has appeared in The New York Times, The Washington Post, and HuffPost, among others. She writes Mamawell, a Substack for parents.
